Almost Forgot

Lindsay and Maynard and I took a trip to the D (it's so cold in there) to do some shopping and stuff.  Maynard prepared an agenda and said that we were going to John King Bookstore.  This place is amazing.  It's the largest bookstore in Michigan, and it's incredibly cool looking and feeling.  It kind of feels like a cool antique store/library.  The building is really old and HUGE:

  

and everyone should go sometime.

I had never heard of it before, and since we were in the car with music and traffic sounds, I was all,

"Where?"

"John K. King Bookstore."

"John Wilkes Boothstore???"

So, John Wilkes Booth became a bit of a theme for the day.  I came up with another business plan:

You know in malls there's always little semi-permanent shops that are like kiosks or booths?  They're in the middle of the.. I don't know, are they called hallways in malls?  You know what I mean, the space you walk in when you're not in a store.

Like this:

So, the world needs a "John Wilkes' Booth"  or "The John Wilkes Booth Booth."  We will sell good old-fashioned kitsch, old timey memorabilia,  Abraham Lincoln trinkets, confederate flags, moustache wax, top hats with a bullet hole in them, you get the gist.  So come on down to "John Wilkes Booth" located just outside Hot Topic at Briarwood Mall near Eisenhower and I-94

2 Thangz

1. Burger King made a cologne that is supposed to be manly with a hint of flame-broiled meat.  Sounds good.  I happen to love the smell of Redbull and have been pushing for a Redbull Cologne for years... anyone think that's a good idea?   Anyways, I was looking at the article about the BK cologne and there's a picture of this hamburger (whopper?):

LOOK CLOSELY AT THE SESAME SEEDS!! There is a face of a man!!!! Right in the middle!  It looks kinda like the clean-cut, kid next door from the 50's with a wide nose.  Anyone agree?

2.  Being home in Rochester reminds me of some fun stories.  One I recalled the other day:

There's a liquor store that has great breadsticks about a mile from my high school.  I went there on lunch break all alone once (but trust me I was still cool).  I went inside in a hurry, and parked facing the store.  There is a very slight downslope from the parking lot to the sidewalk and big front windows of the place.  I parked in the middle of the lot, maybe 30 feet from the store, and went to get my breadsticks.  As I strolled out, I couldn't believe it!  There was a car, on the sidewalk, an inch away from plowing through the front wall and windows of the store!  I was so taken aback, that, although I was alone, I actually said out loud, "What an idiot," with a hearty laugh.

It didn't even register to me that it was a white honda civic until I took a couple steps to walk to my car and realized IT WAS ME.  It's a stick, and I forgot to put on the parking brake.  Luckily there were no other cars in the lot and no people walking on the sidewalk, but wheeeew was that close to disaster.  I really think the funniest part is that I said "what an idiot" out loud.  I'm the idiot! SHEESH.  BUT, my car and I left the scene completely unscathed. 

Lobster, Pontiac, Porch, Cops, Snowplow

A couple funny things happened over the past couple days.  

First off, I left Ann Arbor for home and had not one but TWO lobster bisques beforehand.  If you are unaware, Le Dog (the hot dog stand on liberty) has mind-blowing soups, the best of which is the lobster bisque, but it is only available on Thursday and Friday from like 12 noon to 2.30pm.  I guess that's not funny at all.  You know what's really not funny?  There isn't a single recorded or known instance of a natural lobster death (srsly, look it up.)  They live forever.  Lobster is God if you ask me.  Yikes.

               =                          ?

Went to a party in Pontiac with some old friends on Thursday, had a pretty good time.  Similar to the time I punched a hole through Brenton's mom's kitchen wall, I was standing on their porch and noticed the wood felt a little weak.  I stomped as hard as I could and sure enough, my foot sank right through and destroyed the wood. SRY GUYZ!!  The best part was Jimmy, being drunk and hilarious, starting to rave about how, "Oh fuck yeah dude, this house is like a hundred years old, this wood has to be worth so much.." So, he bends down to the hole I made and pulls off an entire plank and says, "Hell yeah I'm gona sell this shit on ebay, make a TON of money, people love old wood." Of course, he was kidding, and left the porch looking even worse.

I decided I didn't want to sleep on the couch and that i'd drive home, although legally I shouldn't have been behind the wheel (SRY MOM!!).  I'm keeping my eye out for one of the 16 total cops in the entire city of Pontiac, and being on my best behavior, when one pulls out right behind me.  Fuck! Alright Johnny, stay cool, focus on the road, you're gona be fine.   I wasn't too worried but, you know, gotta be careful.  He pulls up next to me and I'm just thinkin, Shit, he's probably lookin' right at me.. what's a white kid doin' in the hood at 3 am with his mom's foreign SUV, I'm fucked.  However, I couldn't resist looking over at him.

What is he doing?

He's fucking TEXTING someone.  Not even paying attention to the road! God Bless!! He blew right by me and the rest of the way home and in the line at Taco Bell I just kept imagining the text messaging of a cop:

Yo, wuz ^?

Nothin, just patrollin' LOL

Tight! NE thing Kool happen?

Nope not yet, kno NE 1 ridin' dirty? ;)

The next morning, we were covered with over a foot of snow.  I have a massive driveway and my Dad don't live here no more :(  The night before, he went to show me how the snowblower works (a new luxury for me), and turns out it was fuckin' broken.  So I'm faced with the prospect of spending two or so hours of back breaking labor.  Then I heard it!  The sound of a snowplower coming to rescue me from my misery.  I was certain I could bribe him to plow my drive way along with the street.  It would take two minutes.

I run outside with a 20 in my back pocket and flag him down.  He looks at me and kind of motions a "Yeah? What's up?"  but he didn't open the window.  So I tapped on the window and then kinda laughed and pointed at the door with a questioning look like, "am I supposed to just open the door and talk to you or what? You're not gona lower the window?"  He motioned the OK, so I opened the door.  This little 10 second exchange was incredibly awkward.  I poked my head in and said, "Hey man, would you consider just goin' down my driveway once or twice for 20 bucks?"  

Nope.  

      

Hey! That's another failure!  I guess I understand, he was a city plow, not a private one, and if he damaged anything he risks getting sued, getting in big trouble for accepting a bribe, etc.  But c'mon guy!  20 bucks for two minutes of work? Thats $600 an hour!!  That's smarter than dealing drugs!  

I am proud of myself for mustering up the work ethic it takes to dig out that driveway though.  Stay tuned for more family holiday fun stories! XO

p.s.  Not sure how I feel about illustrating everything I'm saying... I guess it makes it more interesting?  I'll probably keep doing it, it seems professional.

Failure, in Many Regards

I guess the failure of late Dec. 17th/early Dec.18th started with my downfall in Mariokart.  I had heard of the skills that Alex Wiltschko, a local genius and good friend, possessed in this "game," and decided that if Bennett and I were as good as we thought, it would be a fun challenge.

BIG MISTAKE.  

I am a relatively laid back fellow who does not lose his cool often (while retaining a somewhat alluring "bad boy" shell (no Mariokart shell pun intended)).  Alex kicked my ass for a good half hour, no questions asked.  I was losing it during the races, with very loud profanity (common) but also near-involuntary physical outbursts.  However, in my defense, I could not use my main man, YOSHI,

and had to settle with the "star" himself, 

 Mario. (Could not obtain copy rights to Nintendo brand "Mario," but Mario Lopez (here as "Slater" from Saved by the Bell) was more than "stoked" to lend his face, particularly in a snapshot with him holding some dinosaur-resembling creatures that could lead one to think of Mariokart characters such as Yoshi or Bowser)  saves us all a little MONEY, WHICH IS WHAT LIFE REVOLVES AROUND IF YOU HAVEN'T FIGURED IT OUT YET.  

I guess, on the notion of failure, that the only reason I had to be Mario instead of Yoshi was because I failed to beat him in the two-out-of-three "Rock Paper Scissors" contest that we held to determine who got the little green turtle thing without a shell.

God, there were sooo many more instances of failure tonight that i'll have to remember but I must go to bed.

GUN SHOW

Fired my first gun yesterday.  HOOO-LEEE  SHIT does it feel awesome.  Our local expert, Neil "Diamond Dick" Schlick taught myself and Tom and Leo all the basics.  If you haven't done this yet, I cannot strongly enough recommend it.  The power is amazing, AND you get to shoot these really romantic targets such as :

  This guy.

                  Or better yet,

 This cute little fella.  Because why wouldn't you want to shoot an adorable cat up its asshole?

Winter Bike Problem

SO, the other day we were in Bro D's car, and it was very cold.  The seat belt didn't work correctly, and my excuse was that "it's frozen."

Anything that doesn't work in the winter can be blamed on it being frozen. 

Anyways,

I decided to ride Linzy's bike to get bagels at Brueggers and then go to Neil's to watch The Battle of Algiers (which was fantastic).  It was once again, very cold.  However, the bike was stuck in the highest gear.  I noticed this immediately upon leaving my house but still felt it was too late to turn back.  Don't you hate when you get all worked up and sweaty while covered in winter gear and then enter the indoors?  

After the movie, I decided I would get a ride home in Bro D's car and put my bike in the back (it's a station wagon).   As we got to my house, I went to pop the back door of his car open and it was all "frozen."  Basically, Linzy's bike is in there, taking up all of the room (turning his 7-seater station wagon into a 2-seater) and the trunk literally will not open.  The bike can not fit through the side doors.  If we can't get that damn trunk open, we will have to buy a tool kit, go inside, and take the bike apart.  

LOL!!

Hope to figure something out soon (sorry D, you know it wasn't my fault).

The Bacon Report of Last Night

We had a potluck Christmas dinner last night and I made a bacon weave.   This is the first step, however, I then covered it with cheddar cheese, melted it, rolled it into a tight log, and sliced it into bite size pieces.  America's Next Top Chef.  I did not invent this.